Post-partum Defenestration

My wife is amazing. I think I've mentioned this before, but she's an excellent teacher, kind hearted, patient (about some things), sweet, funny, etc. So I was caught by surprise the other day when she attempted to end our marriage.

I looked down at the text, read what she'd written, and realized my wife had just set a trap that was impossible to recover from.

It read: "Guess my Weight"

Every man is trained to immediately identify certain no-win questions: "Does this make me look fat," "Do you think she's cute," "Would you remarry if I died," etc. This was a def-con 4 level question. All I could do was stare down at my cell phone like it was a bomb.

Terrible reception, but no one will ever steal it.

In this volatile situation a man is left very few options.

1. Answer Honestly. This is only an option if you want a fast exit from a relationship, or an early grave.
2. Lie. Seriously. Whoever said "Honesty is the best policy" has never been in this situation.
3. Be Cute. Diffuse the situation with innocent, saccharine, sappyness.
4. Change the subject. This only really works when you're dealing with someone with ADD. Respond with a picture of a shiny object and you're home free.
5. Ignore it. Hope it goes away. Hope the babies start to cry, and she accidentally drops her phone into a dirty diaper so she never wants to see the phone again.

(Additionally: You have to respond immediately to no-win questions. Any hesitance will be taken as dissembling, and you'll lose before you even attempt to save yourself.)

Choose wrong at your own peril

So being the loving, cautious, humor-inclined husband I am, I went with option 3.

"Beautiful" I replied.

It didn't work, but at least I didn't have to sleep on the couch.

~Jesse